dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
