Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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