Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Randomize
