Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
