Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
There's always time for handjobs
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize