I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Randomize
