I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
