i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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