Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
