Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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