A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
