He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
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