I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
