capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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