I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
