Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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