All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
