his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
All I want is dick and wine.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
