literally had 100 drinks last night.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
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