I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
