So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
