Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
