I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
