You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
My ass is underappreciated
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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