my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
