The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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