i think i scared a bird with my dick
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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