: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
