im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
