wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
