I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
