Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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