Your favorite bartender is back from prision
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
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