I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
We need to rekindle our bromance
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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