Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
foreskin is a definite game changer
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
