from now on my penis is your penis
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
