apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
