I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
