Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Randomize
