apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
