She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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