phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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