last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
