there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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