If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
