you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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