I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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