I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
