My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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