Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize