Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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