Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
