My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
