my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize