FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
