I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Randomize
