i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
