Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
