I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
