battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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