FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Randomize
