Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I'm too high and old for this...
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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