Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
