The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I deserve this hangover.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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